Recollection of Another Time

Since your departure I have learned to live essentially “half-alive.’ I lost the love I loved the most. As I blankly viewed the audience before me the urge to collapse was overwhelming. Then and now my mental state is much the same and eventually I have to accept the pain. I knew standing incoherently in front of that podium that each day from then on would be virtually impossible to complete. Most days I cried relentlessly until I became physically ill. I often lashed out against the world, for I did not want to be apart of its daily cycle without Adam.

What was my greatest fear became even more intense as an unjustifiable mob mentality went against I for who else was there in their minds to blame. However, I clung to the realization of what I knew he and I were and how in the end he left me completely aware of this.

(Recollection of giving Adam’s Eulogy and the time that proceeded it)

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The Loss of Belief..

A young gentleman was browsing my shop when he and I began to conversant. He had inquired about the fingerprint necklace that I continuously wear as it is my late boyfriend’s finger identification that is inscribed and is in necklace form. He proceeded to offer his condolences and began to elaborate upon a story of sorrow. The woman that he is with child with lost her first newborn after carrying the child to completion and actually giving birth. The infant suffered from a rare condition (1 and 100 million) and died six hours later. She was never given the opportunity to hold the child and that brought upon an on set of inconsolable grief. This is where the story really hits onto a tender spot. She was that of pure innocence and followed the word of God in all it’s form. She participated in no illegal activity and drugs and alcohol never  entered her system. She  married as a pure woman and became pregnant with her first child. She was elated to be expecting as it was all that she desired. After losing the child she has fought depression and a battle against the God she once gave her all to. In his words she “hates” God and can not fathom why he did this to her. No amount of counseling has consoled her. Despite her despair she has two more healthy children, but the loss of the first has kept her in a state of disrepair. Unfortunately, her marriage dissolved as they together could not manage the torment this loss brought them each. I am at a loss of words for I know her pain, but never having a child myself I can not allow one to believe that I can relate. I am all to aware of grief as I had another breakdown just last evening. All it takes is just a memory…one memory that stands out above the rest. I must admit I too went through the stage of lashing out at our “Higher Power” for taking Ad from me and in the fashion that he chose to do it in.

There are so many stages of grief and there is absolutely no time limitation as to when the pain will subside. The woman that I have mentioned still holds tight to the idea that this is something she can not simply work past no matter the path she is now taking in her life.

Stages:

Inconsolable sadness, complete confusionIMG_2486.jpg, Denial, shock, anger and depression.

I have experienced each and at the moment I am in the mist of complete sadness and depression. I miss Adam and I wish more than anything I had the ability to have him with us once more.

GRIEF IS REAL!

I Miss You Adam.

Lack thereof…

It has been a little over two years since Adam has passed. I am in a relationship with someone and he has taken a backseat to my grief. My sexual desires are essentially non-existent. I’ve only been with this one individual since Ad’s departure. I can not even confirm that I would have had any sexual encounter with him or anyone for that matter had I not retaliated against the idea that Adam just left me. Many were brutal with their words and truly wanted me  to believe that he had lacked feelings on my behalf. In my most intense stage of grief I rebelled against him as if he were still here. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did, yet he wasn’t alive to endure the pain. My thoughts are still consumed with memories of he and I. It’s not fair to the person that I am with, however I do not know how to reverse these feelings.

Can another griever relate? I spoke to a woman once who had lost her boyfriend six years prior and began dating a month after her lover passed. It was extremely evident that she still carried a massive torch for him despite still being with the “rebound” if you will gentleman.

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Life Interrupted

Grief interrupts your life completely.

-Personality

-Motivation

-Ambition

  • Just your Overall daily activities.

Your work environment becomes different as you do not enjoy certain aspects of it that you once did. This one in particular has been difficult for I met Adam at my employment position; My work personality is forced and coupled with medication.

I try to find positivity in every thing I do, however his memory is a constant and I lose focus. I’ve been prescribed Adderall for this issue. (Among all the other medications)

I loved Adam despite his tough exterior for I saw a side  of him that only myself was granted. He was indeed a very complex  individual, however he had a massive heart. Everything he endured during his childhood/adolescence made him weary of intimate companions.

Adam was a real individual with his own distinct laugh, voice and personality; Those features nor this person exits any longer.

An individual with a Bachelor’s degree (counseling) can not help me heal if he or she has not experienced death in the form that I have. My last few17202798_1436642019701191_4943195429064869548_n counseling sessions left me unsettled for there was not much she could elaborate on to help me through my grief. Psychologists always rotate back to your childhood and traumatic events that occurred then. HELLO, I’m dealing with the death of my boyfriend NOW…I did not know him during my days of much younger youth. If you have encountered this please reply as I can not be the only one…Can I?

I miss You Adam

I Miss My Friend

I am often asked what it is that I miss the most about Adam. I can not answer this simply as there were so many  different elements to our relationship that made me adore him. However, I can elaborate on the idea that he was indeed my best friend. I can not foretell what the future would of held for us had he lived. What I do in fact know is that he would have remained apart of my life indefinitely. Adam taught me to have a tougher exterior as when I met him I was incredibly sensitive to nearly every aspect of myself. I became a more confident individual and I have no one more to thank than him.

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